if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
