i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize