can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
