i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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