just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
