3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
