meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
