exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
