How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
