I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I touched a dick in church today
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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