I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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