pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
