you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
