Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
