I've blown a few things in my day
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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