Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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