so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
