saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize