I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
