dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
3 2 1 whiskey
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
