He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
