I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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