you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
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