he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
