Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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