take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
