im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
