totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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