ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Found your dick twin last night
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
