I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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