I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
