I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He kissed a someone with a penis
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
