they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
