Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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