I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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