I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
