when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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