sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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