Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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