I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
