i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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