Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
