So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize