That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
