i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
