Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
