Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
