Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize