im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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