my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
