I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
