He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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