I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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