When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Couch. On fire.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
