I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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