i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
