Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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