Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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