I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
