You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
