So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
